New Research Shows Beards are Cleaner than Mr Clean

There is a lot of misinformation about beards floating around the internet, and it is time to set the record straight . A recent study, conducted by a random self-proclaimed scientist, has concluded that beards are the cleanest places on earth. Scientist Blippi von Schnookums conducted a study with 723 bearded people over the course of 7 years. The beards were different shapes, sizes, and colors, and were found on men, women, and children.

Prior to the study Dr. Schnookums was beardless and found it difficult to find a mate; in fact his dating life primarily consisted of hand-holding and the occasional Xena rerun. During this time, Dr. Schnookums noticed people with beards had significantly more active dating lives…and were just superior in every way. Because of this he was inspired to conduct this study. It should be noted that Dr. Schnookums was not even a doctor; one year into studying those majestic bearded masterpieces Dr. Schnookums took to the internet and purchased his very own doctorate degree, in hopes of making his study more credible.

Dr. Schnookums did not just study those with beards, he also started growing his beard in late 2012 and notated how his life changed. Only one day into growing his beard, Blippi found he had become irresistible to just about everyone.

After seven years of research Dr. Blippi von Schnookums concluded the following regarding beards:

  1. Beards are clean
  2. Articles about beards being dirty are “Fake News”
  3. Men with beards are insanely strong
  4. Men with beards know how to use an axe
  5. Beards are Chuck Norris Approved
  6. Beards bring happiness to those around them, unless they are unable to grow beards, then they bring malicious jealousy
  7. Beards make the best pillows
  8. Bearded men do not get arrested
  9. Beards make great scarfs 

In conclusion, Dr. Schnookums’s study found that because of the obvious benefits of having a beard, all people should strive to be a part of the majestic-bearded people or completely surround themselves with these people.